Thanks, I HATE IT! Amber Sinclair’s Weekly Soap Review: June 22-26: A False Witness for Sale, a Treasure Chest Full of Worthless Money, and the Muffin From Hell

AMBER SINCLAIR WATCHED ALL FIVE SOAPS AND HAS SEVEN VERDICTS TO DELIVER

TL;DR: Lucy Coe perjured herself and then billed a friend for the privilege, a legendary locked chest coughed up a fistful of dead money, Kat Richardson took a coma field trip to a world where she was never born, Patty Williams served breakfast with a side of hostage, Xander Cook lied with his whole chest, Britt Westbourne got handed a death sentence and a perp walk in the same week, and Hope Logan finally walked her runway across The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, and Beyond the Gates. Amber Sinclair sat through all of it so your blood pressure didn’t have to. You’re welcome.

The Audacity Award: Lucy Coe

Lucy Coe walked into the Port Charles PD, swore up and down that she saw Willow Tait out on Route 91 the night of the crash, and lied through her teeth to do it.

Then, because a felony should never go uncompensated, she charged Brook Lynn Quartermaine for the favor, demanding a chunk of Deception stock fat enough to outrank Tracy Quartermaine herself.

Amber Sinclair has seen a lot of schemes in her time, but charging retail for your own perjury is a special kind of brass. She didn’t merely frame a sitting congresswoman, she invoiced for it.

Who served you the biggest gasp of pure AUDACITY this week? Send your most jaw-dropping daytime nerve to amber@soapoperamagazine.com, and the wildest nominations may open next week’s column.

Okay But WHY Though: The 1,000 Lira Chess Set

Belle Black and Chad DiMera spent the better part of a week treating Stefano’s locked chess set like the Salem Ark of the Covenant, gasping at the handwriting and breathing reverently over the key.

They finally crack it open and the legendary DiMera treasure inside is one thousand lira. Obsolete Italian money. Currency you cannot spend, redeem, or so much as decode, since by Friday the two of them were still squinting at the bill with zero clue what it means.

WHY did the most feared man in Salem leave his family a riddle wrapped around pocket change he could have spent on a sandwich in 1998?

Snooze Button: Kat Richardson’s Coma Field Trip

Kat Richardson gave half her liver to the half-sister she despises, then took a full coma vacation to an alternate timeline where she was never born.

We get the whole “It’s a Wonderful Life” treatment, an entire bottle episode of a Fairmont Crest where Eva Thomasgets the dad, the handbag line, and the boyfriend, while everyone agrees they’d be marginally worse off without Kat in it.

She wakes up having learned a Valuable Lesson about walking a mile in her sister’s boots. Amber Sinclair sat through an entire episode to land exactly where the surgery already had.

The Ick Factor: Patty Williams’ Muffin

Patty Williams has Diane Jenkins stashed in an upstate cottage, which apparently freed up her whole morning to play newlywed at the Genoa City mansion.

She presents Jack Abbott with homemade quiche and muffins, rearranges his work calendar without asking, floats a little skinny-dipping, and purrs at him to taste her muffin.

This is a woman who shot the man twice serving him breakfast in bed like a honeymoon she scheduled at gunpoint. The forced domestic bliss, aimed at a captive audience whose wife is the actual hostage, is the ick of the week.

The Dragging: Xander Cook

Xander Cook looked Sarah Horton dead in the eye and swore the DiMera Pharmaceuticals files were ethically, properly, completely scrubbed and absolutely do not exist. Then, in the very same breath, without one second of shame, he asked her exactly what she needed him to find.

Sir. The files do not exist, but you can pull them by lunch? Pick a lie and commit, because watching a man perjure himself and volunteer for the cover-up in a single sentence is the flop sweat we cannot unsee.

EJ DiMera is out here being the Monster of Salem and Xander still found a way to look shifty next to him.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Britt Westbourne

Daytime took Britt Westbourne, a beloved legacy bad girl already dying of Huntington’s, and somehow made her week worse.

Ross Cullum swapped her medication for poison, then arranged for her own brother, “Nathan,” to be the one who unknowingly mails her the lethal dose, weaponizing a man’s love for his sister as the murder weapon.

And the cherry on this misery sundae? She gets arrested for kidnapping mid-injection, syringe in hand, so the show could pile a perp walk on top of a death sentence. We had a brilliant schemer, and they turned her into a tragedy delivery system for everyone else’s plot.

We Are Obsessed: Hope Logan and Deke Sharpe

Here is the one thing we will defend with our whole heart. Hope Logan bet everything on a secret line, Deke Sharpepoured a week of dread into the designs, and when Katie Logan finally pulled back the curtain in L.A., the House of Logan hit the runway in front of four million live viewers and stunned the room.

Deke’s collection was good enough that even the Forresters watching the livestream had to admit it, and then Hope strutted out in the Hope For the Future diamond and owned every inch of that catwalk.

Amber Sinclair is unironically, hand-on-heart obsessed, this is exactly the soapy, earned, knock-em-dead payoff we tune in for.

Tell us down in the comments which storyline tested your patience the most this week, and which jaw-dropper had you hollering at your screen. We refuse to be the only ones yelling.

Court Is in Session, and Daytime Is the Defendant

Seven crimes against good sense, one tired judge, and Amber Sinclair cannot hand down every sentence alone.

Was the worst offender a woman who invoiced her own perjury, a treasure chest full of dead money, or a muffin served at gunpoint? Bring your gavel to our Facebook page and tell us which show owes you the biggest apology.

WATCH THE WEEK’S MOST UNHINGED MOMENT

@soapoperamag 🕵️‍♀️ Anna Is Back and if Anyone Can Bring Down Cullum's Whole Operation, It Is Her 🕵️‍♀️ 🎬 PRESS PLAY ON THE FULL VLOG 🎬 We could not be more thrilled. 🙌 #AnnaDevane is back, and we cannot wait for her to make her way to Port Charles and dive right back into the action. Cullum has terrorized this town long enough, and if there is one woman with the skill and the nerve to dismantle his entire operation, it is Anna. So we are asking you. Is Anna the one who finally takes him down? #GH #GHSpoilers #GeneralHospital #GeneralHospitalSpoilers ♬ original sound – Soap Opera Magazine