Thanks, I HATE IT! Amber Sinclair’s Weekly Soap Review for June 1-5: A Bitchy Slap, A Reused Set, A Bratty Son, and A Kidnapping That Is No Fun At All

DAYTIME ON TRIAL: JUDGE AMBER SINCLAIR PRESIDING AND THE DEFENDANTS BROUGHT ZERO SHAME

TL;DR: Brooke Logan co-signed a firing for workplace violence and then committed workplace violence, Noah Newman secretly built an entire nightclub from scratch in his spare time, Ethan Lovett has a rehearsed speech for abandoning his child and delivers it on request, Devon Hamilton glared at Holden for the fourth consecutive week, Hayley nearly blew a murder plot because her husband wanted a hug, Chanel Dupree’s cancer storyline got saddled with a cartoon villain doctor, RJ Forrester cried to his parents until Will Spencer got fired, and Liesl Obrecht clocked Drew Cain blinking SOS from across a room only to get kidnapped before she could do a single thing about it across The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless, General Hospital, Beyond the Gates, and Days of Our Lives this week. Amber Sinclair has watched all of it so you did not have to. You are welcome.

The Audacity Award: Brooke Logan

The Audacity Award goes to Brooke Logan this week and it was not close.

On Monday, Brooke stood in Forrester’s main office nodding along as Ridge Forrester fired Will Spencer for throwing a punch at RJ Forrester. Violence has no place at Forrester Creations. Will brought this on himself.

Very dignified. Very principled. Very Brooke.

By Friday, Brooke had hauled off and slapped her own sister Katie Logan across the face in that same building because Katie called Hope Logan her dirty little mistake.

The woman who spent an entire week on her high horse about workplace violence committed workplace violence. In the workplace. At Forrester Creations. Where she co-signed a firing over a punch four days earlier. Brooke Logan has the most unhinged nerve in daytime and this week it was not even a competition.

Have you witnessed a more breathtaking display of hypocrisy on daytime this week? Send your nominations for the Audacity Award to amber@soapoperamagazine.com and we just might make you famous!

Okay But WHY Though: Noah Newman’s Secret Nightclub

Noah Newman spent his spare time secretly building a full replica of The Shadow Room inside Genoa City. Not a mood board. Not a vibe. A whole nightclub, reconstructed from scratch, without telling a single soul.

He then brought a man with returning trauma memories inside it like a fun field trip. It worked, sort of, in the way soap opera therapy always works: chaotically and with immediate unintended consequences.

We are not questioning Noah’s commitment. We are asking where a twenty-something nightclub owner got the budget and construction crew to pull this off during a completely normal week. We’re also asking why Y&R is too broke to even so much as change up the clutter. Sure, reduce, reuse, recycle is great, but carbon copying? Sure, babes. Sure.

The Ick Factor: Ethan Lovett’s Rehearsed Goodbye

Luke and Holly’s son sat across from Alexis Davis and delivered a beautifully crafted speech about closed adoptions, orphanage childhoods, and promises made to deceased mothers. It was moving. It was specific. It was clearly not the first time Ethan Lovett had given it.

He then walked to Ava Jerome at The Metro Court Gardens and delivered the exact same speech. Same emotional beats. Same orphanage reference. Same conclusion.

Ethan Lovett has talking points for abandoning his daughter and has workshopped them to perfection. Luke and Holly raised a con man, and somehow this is the con that breaks our hearts the most.

Snooze Button: Devon Hamilton’s One-Man Glaring Contest

Devon Hamilton has been suspicious of Holden Novak for weeks. This week, Devon glared at Holden at Crimson Lights. Holden said his intentions were good. Lily Winters told Devon to stop.

Devon glared more.

Lily said Devon was mad at the world. Devon asked what she meant by that. This is the same conversation they have been having since Holden arrived in Genoa City. At this point the writers could save everyone some time by running a chyron that says Devon glared again and moving on.

The Dragging: Hayley Lawson

Hayley Lawson has been poisoning Bill Hamilton with military precision for weeks. Timed doses. Managed symptoms. Flawless cover story.

She nearly blew the entire operation because Bill tried to give her an affectionate squeeze and she panicked about the vial of poison tucked in her bra. She explained it away. He felt guilty. She slipped more poison into his coffee the second he turned his back.

The most dangerous woman in Fairmont Crest was almost taken down by basic marital affection. We are dragging her with the deepest respect because this woman is giving us everything and nearly lost it all to a hug.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Chanel Dupree’s Oncologist

Days of Our Lives handed Chanel Dupree one of the most powerful storylines on daytime television right now. A breast cancer diagnosis. A pregnancy. A medical system that does not always treat Black women with the urgency they deserve.

Chanel walked into that oncologist’s office prepared, scared, and brave all at once. The show gave her Dr. George, a man so cartoonishly dismissive he told her to get off the internet and calm down before walking out of the room.

This story deserves a worthy adversary. Chanel Dupree deserves a worthy adversary. Dr. George is not it and the show knows better.

Biggest Brat: RJ Forrester

RJ Forrester watched Will Spencer and Electra Forrester together, decided he did not like what he saw, antagonized Will for months by his own admission, got punched once, and then went to his mommy and daddy until Will was handed termination papers.

Carter Walton pointed out that RJ was antagonizing Will as much as Will was antagonizing him. Ridge told his son to stop. RJ smirked anyway because consequences are for Spencers apparently.

Will called him a mommy’s boy on the way out. RJ smirked. The boy has one setting and it is insufferable and Amber Sinclair cannot look away.

Which soap gave you the most this week and which one has you ready to throw your remote at the screen? Sound off below because we absolutely need to know we are not alone in this!

WE ARE OBSESSED: Liesl Obrecht Versus Everyone

Poor Drew Cain. Nobody particularly wanted Drew Cain back. And yet there he sat, paralyzed in a chair, blinking desperately while his wife schemed with her ex-husband and her mother brought him pie.

This week, Liesl Obrecht walked in, took one look at him, and announced they should put sunglasses on him because he had been blinking SOS since she arrived. She identified that Willow Tait and Nina Reeves were up to something, told them to do it better, and walked out.

Drew Cain finally had a hero.

She got back in her car. Cullum was waiting in the back seat. He grabbed her before she could do a single thing. Drew Cain cannot catch a break in this life or any other and at this point, we wish we felt bad for the guy. We still don’t. We do feel bad for Obrecht, though. No one should have to be that close to Cullum.

WATCH THIS: Is Pascal really Helena’s secret son?

@soapoperamag Is #Pascal Secretly #HelenaCassadine's HIDDEN Son on GH?! He's at Wyndemere. He's tied to dark Cassadine business. He fits the profile TOO well. Hit play because we have a wild theory and you NEED to hear it! #GH #GeneralHospital ♬ original sound – Soap Opera Magazine