Thanks, I HATE IT! Amber Sinclair’s Weekly Soap Review: March 16-20

AMBER SINCLAIR HAS WATCHED ALL FIVE SOAPS THIS WEEK AND JASON MORGAN OWES HIS SON A VERY LONG LETTER

TL;DR: Jason Morgan tried to assassinate a man and attend a basketball game in the same afternoon and managed to fail at both, Ari Horton hid a bleeding man in her dorm room and blamed it on a shaving accident, Ivy Forrester told RJ his biceps were going to waste, EJ DiMera laid flowers on a grave he probably dug, Tracy Quartermaine told Michael to keep his pants on, and Alex Kiriakis punched the man who rescued Stephanie Johnson on General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless, and Beyond the Gates this week. Amber Sinclair has watched all of it so you did not have to. You are welcome.

The Audacity Award: Jason Morgan

Jason Morgan spent this week on General Hospital setting up his son Danny Morgan with a guardian, saying emotional goodbyes, and preparing to vanish from his child’s life again so he can go on the run with Britt Westbourne. Danny’s mother is dead. Sam is gone. This boy has one parent left on the planet and that parent looked him in the eye, told him he was proud of him, promised to come back, and then spent the afternoon on a rooftop with a sniper rifle before getting arrested by Dante Falconeri in the parking lot of his son’s basketball game. He did not make it inside. He is leaving his child for a woman. Again. Danny asked his dad to come to one game and Jason could not even give him that. Father of the year, Port Charles. The trophy is in the mail. He will not be home to accept it.

Runner up: Phyllis Summers renamed Newman Enterprises to “Summer’s Conglomerate” on The Young and the Restless. She named it after the daughter who is not speaking to her. The delusion is staggering and we respect it deeply.

Think you know who deserves next week’s Audacity Award? Got a nomination for The Dragging? Send your picks to [email protected] and we just might publish them!

Okay But WHY Though: Ari Horton Hides a Bleeding Man in Her Dorm

Arianna Horton is harboring a shirtless, freshly shot Liam Selejko in her Days of Our Lives dorm room like it is a witness protection program run by a college sophomore. When Tate Black knocked on the door, she shoved Liam offscreen, blamed a bloody bandage on a shaving accident, handed Tate boxes of Holly’s stuff, and pushed him out. Where was Liam? Behind the door? Under the bed? Wearing a lampshade? Girl has the instincts of a mob wife and the cover story of a toddler caught with cookies.

Snooze Button: Ivy Forrester’s Matchmaking Service

Ivy Forrester spent another week on The Bold and the Beautiful running an unauthorized dating agency out of the Forrester design office. She told RJ Forrester his biceps were going to waste. She called Electra Forrester “free and available.” She begged him to save her niece from Will Spencer before he could “worm his way back in.” She described Dylan working at Forrester as “not proper.” Ivy orchestrated the entire breakup and is now casting the replacement. We are begging for a new beat.

Runner up: Deacon Sharpe and Taylor Hayes said goodbye again. Steffy Forrester Finnegan has been saying “this ends today” for months and nothing has ended. We are still here. They are still here. The goodbye tour continues.

The Ick Factor: EJ DiMera’s Victory Lap

EJ DiMera screamed at Gwen Rizczech that Vivian Alamain was no longer a problem “possibly permanently” on Days of Our Lives. Then someone laid flowers on a fresh grave marked with her name. His Phoenix ring hand trembled and he steadied it by force. That is not grief. That is a man admiring his own work. We need to talk about how casually EJ is collecting bodies this year because the list is getting uncomfortably long.

Runner up: Victor Newman told Nikki Newman to “begone” from the house he gave her as a birthday present on The Young and the Restless. He waved her off like she was room service he did not order. Begone!

Unexpectedly Obsessed: Tracy Quartermaine’s Family Meeting

Tracy Quartermaine called a family meeting on General Hospital to address Michael Corinthos being caught with Jacinda by Olivia Falconeri in the gatehouse. Tracy told Michael to stop behaving like a Quartermaine man who can’t keep his pants on. Ned Ashton asked how many mobsters she had been with. Tracy fired back, “Fewer than you, Olivia!” Three sentences. Three kills. Nobody was safe and we were on the floor.

Runner up: Kat Richardson sat in her booth on Beyond the Gates, watched Eva Thomas stomp past after Leslie Thomas‘s construction got shut down for building one inch over the property line, and gave her a smug little wave. No words. No confrontation. Just a wave. Kat understood the assignment.

The Dragging: Alex Kiriakis

Alex Kiriakis watched Jeremy Horton dislocate his own thumb to escape handcuffs, cradle an unconscious Stephanie Johnson, and keep her warm until help arrived on Days of Our Lives. Alex’s first instinct was to throw Jeremy across the room and punch him in the face. He then visited Jeremy in the hospital and offered him money. Jeremy laughed in his face and said he did not want his damn money. Alex, respectfully, the man broke his own hand to save the woman you love. Read the room. Read any room. We are begging.

Which soap gave you the most this week and which one owes you an apology? Sound off below because Amber Sinclair cannot be the only one screaming at the television!

WATCH THIS: Will Joss finish what Jason started?

@soapoperamag Maybe Joss can pick up where Jason left off… Let's the girlies win this round. Jason hesitated but I don't think Joss will. I think she's angry enough to take out BOTH Cullum and Brennan without a second thought! #GeneralHospital ♬ original sound – Soap Opera Magazine