Thanks, I HATE IT! Amber Sinclair’s Weekly Soap Review: April 7-11

AMBER SINCLAIR HAS WATCHED ALL FIVE SOAPS THIS WEEK AND VALENTIN CASSADINE OWES HER AN EXPLANATION

TL;DR: Valentin Cassadine tried to eavesdrop from Carly’s staircase on General Hospital, Lexie fake woke up again on Days of Our Lives, the entire The Bold and the Beautiful teen scene is putting us to sleep, Sheila Carter turned off the lights and said “I’ll be back” like a slasher film villain, Leslie Thomas told Marcel to wear purple on Beyond the Gates and we are obsessed, Stephanie Simmons kept an entire child from Malcolm Winters on The Young and the Restless and called it a favor, and General Hospital will not stop torturing Britt Westbourne. Amber Sinclair has watched all of it so you did not have to. You are welcome.

The Audacity Award: Valentin Cassadine

Valentin Cassadine admitted he is jealous of Jack Brennan, agreed with Carly that their night together was just a “Stockholm Syndrome sex thing,” and then stood at the bottom of her staircase trying to listen while she took Jack upstairs to bed. He paced the living room. He attempted to eavesdrop. Then he pulled his hood over his head and walked off into the night like the lead of a brooding romance novel nobody asked for. Sir, you are a fugitive living in an attic. You do not get to have feelings about the woman hiding you from the federal government. And yet here we are.

Got a moment from this week that made you scream at your screen? Send your hottest takes to [email protected] and we just might publish them!

Okay But WHY Though: Lexie’s Fake Wake Up

Theo sat at his mother’s bedside on Days of Our Lives, held her hand, talked about his childhood memories, and Lexie opened her eyes. She spoke to him. It was emotional. It was beautiful. And then they were both still asleep. Again. This show keeps teasing Lexie’s return like a restaurant that lets you smell the food but never brings the plate. We are starving over here. Either wake her up or let us grieve in peace, because this halfway haunting is getting exhausting.

Snooze Button: The Entire B&B Teen Scene

Will and Electra. Electra and RJ. RJ and Ivy scheming in the stairwell. Dylan existing near Will. Ivy posting photos from Electra’s phone like a teenager with access to her niece’s Instagram. The Bold and the Beautiful has committed fully to this love quadrangle and we have committed fully to checking our phones during it. These characters are fine. The actors are doing their best. But we have watched the same conversation happen in five different rooms across four weeks and nobody has said anything new. Wake us up when someone actually does something.

The Ick Factor: Sheila Carter’s “I’ll Be Back”

Deacon told Sheila he is in love with Taylor Hayes. Sheila begged. Sheila cried. Sheila reminded him of their wedding vows. And when none of that worked, she planted a goodbye kiss on him, walked downstairs to the restaurant they built together, ran her hands along the bar, and whispered “I’ll be back. This isn’t over for us, Deacon.” Then she turned off the lights. That is not a woman leaving. That is a woman reloading. The hair on the back of our necks stood up and it has not come back down.

Unexpectedly Obsessed: Leslie Thomas

Leslie Thomas told Marcel Malone to wear purple on their date because it represents wealth and royalty and it will match her outfit. She also called Chief Elon rude and grumpy to his face, complained about Darlene being the queen of mean, announced she has a “grime shield,” and then caused a scene at the police station on her way out. Beyond the Gates did not have to give us this woman but they did and we are forever grateful. Leslie Thomas is the most entertaining person in Fairmont Crest and she is not even trying. She just IS.

The Dragging: Stephanie Simmons

Malcolm Winters looked Stephanie in the eye and asked her how she could keep his son from him for his entire life. She tried the “I was doing right by you” defense. He was not buying it. Stephanie Simmons kept a whole child from Malcolm Winters and tried to frame it as a favor. Malcolm is mourning a life he never got to live with Holden, and Stephanie is standing there acting like she deserves credit for finally telling the truth. Ma’am, the bar was on the floor and you still tripped over it.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Britt Westbourne

Jenz Sidwell looked at Cassius and told him to get rid of Britt permanently. She had to stand in that room and beg for her own life. She is running out of medication, running out of allies, running out of time, and General Hospital keeps putting her through it like she has not already been through enough. Britt Westbourne survived her father’s legacy, survived Huntington’s disease hanging over her head, survived loving Jason Morgan, and now she has to survive Sidwell deciding she is disposable. Leave this woman alone. She has been through enough for three lifetimes.

Valentin is eavesdropping from staircases, Sheila is turning off lights and making threats, and Leslie Thomas is demanding Marcel wear purple. Which moment from this week lives rent free in your head? Sound off below!

WATCH THIS: We need to talk about THIS odd couple!

@soapoperamag Are Valentin and Carly HOT or NOT? I like them, but only for now. A short fling is FIRE but long-term? That would be a no from me. They have a ton of chemistry but they just don't fit as people. Carly belongs back with Sonny and Valentin and Anna are a match made in heaven. What do YOU think though? #GH #GeneralHospital ♬ original sound – Soap Opera Magazine